Cheryl Durongpisitkul - I Still Miss You

Cheryl Durongpisitkul

i still miss you

Cheryl Durongpisitkul the Australian award-winning saxophonist, composer and performer announces her new album, I Still Miss You, via New Amsterdam Records. Produced by William Brittelle and Michael Hammond of Figure 8 Recording Studios, the album features six original compositions by Durongpisitkul performed by a 12-piece ensemble.

I Still Miss You is a highly personal and cathartic exploration of trauma, loss and grief. Says Durongpisitkul: “The album draws on my lived experiences in a family shaken by my mother’s diagnosis of ovarian cancer and her battle with bipolar disorder. My mother suffered through these illnesses while raising four young children. We lost her to suicide when I was 18. Three years later, and a week into my first big overseas trip, I received a one-line email from my father saying: ‘Yes, I have Bowel Cancer.’ He died a week after my 24th birthday. It was on that overseas trip, 15 years ago, that I first had the idea to represent these experiences through music.”

On I Still Miss You, Durongpisitkul reminds the listener that “Grief can be an incredibly isolating experience. I want listeners to come away feeling connected.”

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Durongpisitkul’s experiences inform every aspect of the album—from form and harmonic structures to lyric and melody. Throughout the record one hears samples, spoken word, and lyrics all drawn from Durongpisitkul’s family videos and her personal diaries.
The collaboration with Brittelle came out of Durongpisitkul’s experience in the New Amsterdam Composer’s Lab. “Working with Brittelle and Hammond was really wonderful. They brought their own creative identities in service of the music,” says Durongpisitkul. Their production expands the 12-piece ensemble. It magnifies the tumultuous, emotional stages that Durongpisitkul explores with depth and clarity in her compositions.
The album opener, “Sickness,” sets off with a light, flowing melody that melts into a stark sample from Durongpisitkul’s mom. A short episode representing the sickness spreading through her mother and father’s bodies erupts into a transfigured version of the opening melody, now with manic energy and explosive gestures. “The melody and lyrics ‘I'm spending money, I don't care, I'll do whatever I want, and I'm so happy,’ were captured on camera during one of my mum’s episodes.”
Sickness alternates between hyperactive melodies bursting in all directions and slow and trudging grooves representing the rapid flip between depression and mania.
“Treatment” traces the peaks and valleys felt as a loved one goes through medical intervention. “Those peaks represent the undertaking of treatment regimen or adjustments of medication. You get lulled into this false sense of security until it all falls apart.” Brittelle and Hammond’s sound design employs pitch wavers, granular shattering, and crashes to break up the audio and reinforce the intense experience of loss.
The first half of “Survival” is claustrophobic. Densely layered melodies culminate in an explosive soprano sax solo. It is seeded with spoken word interjections of “No one likes you, Cheryl,” a sample from a home video where an upbeat atmosphere was shattered by Durongpisitkul’s unintentional reference to her mom’s illness. “Without missing a beat, my brother turns to me and says, ‘No one likes you, Cheryl.’ I thought that perfectly encapsulates our family dynamics during that time. We were all struggling to cope and often turned on each other when confronted with pain.”
In stark contrast, the latter half of the piece, with its stretchy time, dreamy synth lines, and angelic vocals represents a time when Durongpisitkul and her siblings came together to care for her dad during his sickness, working together and finding harmony amidst the chaos.
The record turns inward as Durongpisitkul explores her personal mourning. “Grief,” with lyrics taken from her years of journaling, opens with a guttural saxophone solo. “When recording this opening, I was transported back to the moment my siblings told me my mother was dead.” “Grief’s” second half, with its powerful addition of the Melbourne-based choir, Invenio, grapples with how to be after loss.
The lyrics on “Depression” are taken from her diary, and represent the inner dialogue experienced during her periods of depression. Through the writing we hear myriad lines slowly evolving as rubato drums frame the pacing of the band. “While in this mental space, everybody seems to be going at normal speed, but you feel like you're walking through molasses.”
Album closer, “Time,” floats in an ephemeral space where voices coming in and out of sync with horn melodies against a backdrop of shimmering guitar arpeggios. “Life continues to grow around the place where their memories live. Pain dulls, but never disappears. You can do all the work and still hurt. This is the tune of healing and time is the balm.”

Tracklist and Credits
1. Sickness
2. Survival
3. Treatment
4. Grief
5. Depression
6. Time
Merinda Dias-Jayasinha – Vocals
Emily Bennett – Vocals
Xani Kolac – Violin
Anita Quayle – Cello
Amy Sunyoung Lee – Cello (tracks 1, 2 and 3)
Cheryl Durongpisitkul – Alto saxophone, flute (track 3) and vocals (tracks 2 and 5)
Andrew Saragossi – Soprano saxophone, tenor saxophone and clarinet
Reuben Lewis – Trumpet
Josh Bennier – Trombone
Marcos Villalta – Guitar
Nathan Liow – Piano
Stephen Hornby – Bass
Naomi Tan – Drums
Special guests:
William Brittelle – Synths
Shahzad Ismaily – Mayan death whistles and synth (track 5)
Michael Hammond – Guitar (track 5)
Invenio (track 4) featuring:
Merinda Dias-Jayasinha
Gian Slater
Louisa Rankin
Clyde Saniga
Edward Fairlie
Rory Newman
Produced by William Brittelle
Recorded and edited on Wurundjeri Land by Rohan Sforcina at Box Hill Institute
Mixing and sound design by Michael Hammond
Mastering by Zach Hanson
Album artwork by Marcos Villalta, photographed by Makiko Ryujin
Graphic design by Yuan Jiawang
Cheryl Durongpisitkul photographed by Nick Mckk